High school sweethearts
How to make high school relationships work.
I am a sucker for high school sweethearts movies from the ’80s. “Pretty in Pink”, “Farris Buller’s Day Off” and “Say Anything” — they’re all heartstring-pulling classics. I mean, what’s better than John Cusack holding a boom box over his head to win the girl of his dreams? Nothing.
But what I love about these movies is how they poke fun at how most people don’t have any idea of what they’re doing when it comes to young love, while simultaneously portraying how love in high school can be real and serious. It’s always a refreshing perspective, because high school dating frequently gets a bad reputation for being temporary and transparent.
That stereotype always has frustrated me. Who’s to decide that “real” love only happens after college, when you’ve established a career and you’re in your 30s? High school sweethearts deserve some respect and to be taken seriously. So as someone who knows where you’re coming from and has had a lot of unanswered questions over the years, here’s legitimate advice. Here’s how to make high school relationships work:
1. Forget the “month-iversaries”. Celebrate the big milestones.
○ Take it from someone who’s tried it: Month-iversaries are overrated. Yes, they’re fun to celebrate in the beginning of a relationship, but, honestly, celebrating the “sacred” event every 30 days builds up pressure that just isn’t worth the stress. I used to count down the days, make special brownies, purchase gifts and write heartfelt cards for each month anniversary. After three celebrations, it was getting to be a bit much. Instead of being excited about the relationship, I became fearful that my boyfriend was losing interest in me when really he was losing interest in all the anniversaries. Honoring the bigger moments is just better. You’ll stress less and love more.
2. No relationship can survive without communication.
○ This is the single, most important piece of advice I have to offer. Being straight forward about what you want from the relationship, when you’re upset about your day or even at your sweetie, and especially when you’re uncomfortable with anything you two are doing is a relationship saver. I know this may sound like simple advice, but honestly, most teenagers are terrible at communicating their feelings and being direct. Most people opt to use hints. But hinting and thinking “How is she not getting this? I’m clearly upset. She should have picked it up by now” is a relationship killer. If you’re really trying to communicate your problems, don’t make the other person play games to try and figure them out. Most people are bad guessers and the expectation that they know what you’re thinking is a set-up for failure. Let me be candid: Your loved one is probably not picking up on your hints. Why? Because they’re not telepathic, and what’s obvious to you likely isn’t as much so to them. And misreading the signals can seriously aggravate your sweetheart. No one likes guessing or being in trouble. Fights over meaning of hints can carve some serious rifts in relationships because everyone just wants their feelings to be understood. So, if you’ve got issues, let them be known. If you let your problems just sit and fester, you could erupt with a sudden, built-up overreaction that could seriously impact your loved one — and who wants to risk losing someone like that? Couples can save themselves a whole lot of pain if they choose to talk about problems early on. Remember, your honeybunch can’t try to fix the problem if you don’t tell them.
3. Give grace and wiggle room.
○ Understand that high school is a time for some serious personal growth. People are figuring out who they are. They’re beginning to carve out their identities and aspirations. Sometimes it can be a bumpy period. People don’t always grow in the way you expect them to and that can create conflict. Maybe he wants to change friend groups. Maybe she only wants to apply to out-of-state colleges, when you’re applying just to in-state schools. The best thing you can do for your love bug is to be flexible and welcoming of the person they’re becoming. And even better, you can grow with them — grow together. Try new things together, work to venture into new groups and meet new people together and push each other to be the best you two can be. That’s how couples go the distance. But that’s easier said than done. Even if you disagree with their emerging opinions and personal pursuits, you need to be open-minded. For instance, if your Romeo is an emerging Democrat, but you’re a diehard Republican… you need to be cool with it. Accept that you can’t change people, you can only influence them. Of course you can share your own thoughts and opinions, but you need to let them be who they want to be.
4. Just because he or she may get a little boring, doesn’t mean it’s over. An adventure can spice it up.
○ I’ll save you the suspense — love settles. Things aren’t always super exciting all the time. Sometimes the flame goes out, and you two may just feel very normal towards each other — not at all like the intense goo-goo eyed, heart-fluttering feelings you felt in the beginning. Some people would call this “the end of the honeymoon phase”, but I disagree with that assessment. Love comes in waves and phases, and no relationship is on an all-time high all the time. It’s natural, and you should try your best not to overreact to these changes of seasons in a relationship. Many high schoolers think these lulls signal the end of a relationship, but oftentimes they’re wrong. When the powerful emotions subside, it’s not an ending but more likely is just a moment. We can all understand why lovers want these dry periods to pass quickly. A way to spice things up is to have an adventure with your galpal or boytoy. Break out of the mundane routine by venturing to a new place for a whole day. New experiences bring people together — or in this case, back together.
5. You don’t need to know their phone passcode to know that they’re being loyal.
○ Everybody gets jealous sometimes. It’s a feeling that can really tear a person up. You get overrun with worries, leap to conclusions, feel helpless and become very self-conscious. Nobody wants to be cheated on, and no one wants become a crazy, obsessive BF or GF because of all the doubts piling up in their heads. Some people find security in checking their significant other’s text messages. Know that this won’t satisfy your worries, and it’s a bit intrusive. Everybody needs their personal space and shouldn’t have to be supervised. You can find other ways of keeping tabs on your love’s loyalty, like practicing the advice in tip number two: communicate. Whenever jealousy gets under your skin, talk it out with your sweetie, work out a solution, and don’t reach for their phone.
6. Be friends.
○ Think of your partner as your friend before you think of them as a boyfriend or girlfriend. For me, that’s been exactly what I needed in high school; an intimate relationship where I am not afraid of being myself. Just remember that dating isn’t all about going to fancy dinners, celebrating anniversaries, and making out. In my opinion, it’s about getting to know and love someone on a different level and discovering more about yourself through the relationship. Talk, laugh, go on adventures, goof off and just be yourselves. That’s an even deeper kind of love.
